F E E L I N G Z O N E

October 7 2025:

our society has these weird cultural moments, blink and you'll miss them, if you don't go to prom, you'll never again get to dress up pretty like a princess?? Coulden't be me.

Sititng in the very back of my parents car, I'm decked out in mirrors, heavy and scratchy fabrics, bangles that catch the light, a burden of a scarf- my dupatta that is pinned to the fabric of my shoulder, beautiful weights that pull at my earlobes, and whiteface. I’m disassociating, I don't know who I am except for that I’m not like others, I’m not even like my others. I didn’t want my face to make me look sikly, I made a fuss about it but ultimatly succame to the guilt and pressure from my matriarical opresser. I felt ugly, I wasn't me, I was ugly.

It wasn't on my terms, I didn’t even know I could have terms, when it came to white culture I could be weird, when it came to my culture I coulden’t be myself without being called whitewashed. It wasn't until I was grown did I learn that I could have made those choices, I could have been able to embrace and enjoy my culture, but because it was not to the taste of my emotionally regressed matriarch I wasn’t granted this privilage to explore this space.

Growing up being a weird kid, embracing that I am the wrong, I am the other, I am different, it's scary to see your neurotypical or rule abiding peers hitting milestones even if they didn't want to, it's scary to see others do things the would not have normally chosen to do, due to socititial pressure. It's scary to feel the guilt of that pressure extend to myself as well, a pressure you can keep resissting but will ultimatly affect you in some sort of way.

I'm still alive, but I'm being left behind I'm being cast out, I'm not a good fit, I'm not a good puzzle piece, I don't belong in a world made for me not to belong, in a world made to surpress me and others like me.

Living to get to adulthood so that I could live, so that I could experience a childhood I never had, so I could enjoy my life in accordance to the legality under the @nitedstaytes of muri3@ that protected the me that survived into adulthood, but was not ever so 'kindly' granted to child me.

Lieing in bed dissasociating, missing milestones, missing events, further drifting from friends, missing oppertunities to make new friends, missing my life because I could not life comfortably, I could not live, this wasn’t living, I just knew I had to get to adulthood to be premitted to live accordingly. If I could make it to be an adult I could escabe my opressers, little did I know, the alternative was more subtule with it’s opression, atleast as it initially appeared this way to me at the time.

One of the first items I ever bought with my own money was shoes, I always wanted to dress in a way that made me feel that I was expressing myself, money gave me power I never had, money granted me privledge. Now, isn’t that sad?

Sometimes in life we learn words, we learn the meaning of things, and we take it at face value. Sometimes this can be good thing, and sometimes we learn the wrong meaning. What is meaning, but a tool we can use to compress big concepts into bite sized snacks that we can consume and understand!

When you escape the "matrix" or word that means like, living a false life; when you see how society is being manipulated to keep you sad and helpless you can't un-see it, racism, sexism, opression, white supremicy, all tied in a nice capatalist bow! But these are big words that describe concepts, I urge you, reader, please, maybe take a moment to look into what each of these words mean, and don’t take what you heard as the initial description as your only frame for refrence.

September 26 2025:

There's something so terribly lonley about primarily having almost exclusivly white friends/company. I yern for what I never had- community with other people like me. I'm starting to think it ties in with this feeling of being afraid to fully trust people? Which is weird to consider because I trust my close friends and lover(1) so fully, but at the same time I feel like there's things I'm unable to fully share? I'm both the weird 'forign' person in a group, but also too whitewashed to be around people like me. I grew up around primarily white people, and the few south asian folks I knew were "better" then me, acedemically, and so on, while I always stood out- weather it be my mental illnes(s) or the fact that I was so queer before I even knew what queer was, or the fact that I was set up to fail by my own family who didn't teach me their native language. I've only known a more wholesome and caring love in my late 20's, I previously never had close friends due to being 'rapunzel'd' (socially isolated + socially isolated via emotional abuse/threats) for most of my life. Learning how to be a person and socialize and learn social rules in my late 20's feels embaressing. I have been learning how to listen to my own internal needs for rest, my social cap, when I'm overstimulated, ect.. within the last few years.

Dispite being in a loving relationship for over 4 years now I still can't shake the feeling that "nobody loves me" but what does that even mean? What does that feeling consist of? Sometimes it's an easy thought to pull at when I need a good cry, it evokes this sadness that I can feel in my neck and jaw. A while after coming out to my extended family, I ended up being disowned by them, I always thought someone- somebody would stand up for me, nobody, not even my cousins did- nor did they check up on me. That's my fear with having mostly white friends/lover(1) will anybody stand up for me when it really matters? I remember, in my youth, sitting out large family photos because I tought I'd succum to suicide/death soon- (at that time) and it felt like it would be best for me to fade away quietly, not remembered, dispite wanting to be remembered, wanting to be considered, wanting to be loved. Most of my company consisted of my legally obligated caretakers -my biological parents, and eventually my impressionable younger sibling(s)- whom in particular, I decided to try to live a little longer for. On the rare ocasion I saw friends outside of public educational facilities, the memory of human contact other then my abusers would linger in my memory long after the intractions. I was starving, socially, emotionally, and on a fundamental level. Also, my intenral values were wringed out of me over time- my desire to explain and articulate was worn out after years of company who didn't bother to learn or understand me, my curosity drowened out by constant threats of fear, my desire to physically leave my abusers and live a happier life scared out of me by capatalists and their unacheivable standards that I have a high income while also working my "dream job".

I was taught how to be helpless, and I had to learn how to be creative, how to think outside of the box. I had to seek help to unlearn a lot of my fears, and dispite that, a decent amount of fear persists- but not as disabling as before. I've overcome fears- to name a few fears: driving, filling up gas, taking the bus, taking a train, going to the city, thrifting, moving to new places, moving out, getting a job, getting a desk job, spiders, reading, cooking, being vunrable, loving someone, drawing something new, navigating a new program, fixing my own computer, going to college, taxes, being an adult, going to therapy, trying something new, taking to people online, freeweights, swimming, crying in front of others, dancing, singing, humming, making little sounds, fidgeting, going outside, creating porn, posting on social media, caring for plants, cats, talking to myself, telling myself what I needed to hear, cleaning, taking care of myself, being alive, loving myself, keeping a diary, writing, painting, using new media, exploring, ect.. a lot of the fears i've conqured, define me in a positive way. It's just sad that almost every aspect of a human experiance was fearmongered to me, I was set up to fail by people who also hypocritically expected me to simoltaniously function, as if the sewn seeds of my crippling anxiety didn't fuly disable me. It feels like anything I approch, I approch with fear, or atleast I used to, there was always a drive in me, to embrase the weird, the queerness of myself. What made me inperfect made me special, and I always surrounded myself with others who didn't quite fit the mold such as myself. I always was inspired by those who were able to think in ways that were creative, those who approched things with curosity, I think I did this too in the begining, and I'm only learning how to feel this again now in my late 20's.

I am out of the boiling pot that is my biological parent's presense, I don't have an extended family anymore, my sibling(s) are adults now, I have a roof over my head, I have more friends then I've ever had in my life, and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Recently, I've been feeling helpless, particularly fianically. Since we live in a society that hinges on having money to do almost anything, learnign that I can't handle full time jobs was devistating. I love making my adult oriented art and I've always wanted to invest more time into it, espically if it could help pay the bills. Sometimes now, or even in college- I thought and told others "It's okay, if this doesn't work out I can do pornography!" But I was too scared to, because I needed to be safer first. I am safe now, but, navigating all the future potential challanges has been scary- and is it even worth it to try when I can invest in my art more? I'm not ashamed of myself, I want to be immortalized, I want to have fun with it- like include my hobbies + intrests. The allure is that it would be "easy" and when I say Easy, I mean, easier for me to do potentially- but if it was so easy, I would have done it by now- right? I thought the same thing about ~all of this~ too, everything is hard in diffrent ways, but one thing for sure- I like being online/doing online stuff, I like meeting new people + making friends, I like sharing my art, I like when people like my work.

I, more recently got an offical diagnosis for a physical disability that has been progressing over the last couple of years, It's hard being emotioally and physically disabled, it's hard not being able to work a 'adult job' dispite knowing that 40+ hour work weeks are pretty unreasonable for most people to begin with. I feel more like a failure then ever, dispite reading very cool books by devon price- like "unlearning shame" or "lazieness does not exist" or both "unmasking for life" + "unmasking autism" (I don't think I have autism but it's still a great and validating read!- also I reccomend these books still!) Navigating disability is hard, I feel ashamed in a way I didn't feel with my mental disability. I feel embaressed at the idea of letting others down, sitll I offer help to others. I often offer to help friends or even aquantinces move, I offer to help cook, I offer to help clean, I offer rides, and more. I'm trying to learn to ask for help more myself. With my adult oriented art, in the past it felt more inpersonal to ask for help and I really didn't like that, and, on top of it being demotivating, I think others could maybe tell too? Recently it feels like my cope has been being more 'offline' and less introspective, but the deep sadness I feel always finds a way to resurface. I want to feel useful and helpful, I want people to care about me, but when they tell me that they do I don't feel in inside? I don't beleive them dispite no reason to not beleive them. When my girlfriend says she loves me I'm sure she means it, and in the moment, I feel it. To my own detriment, for reasons I don't yet understand outside of "lol bipolar issues", when I'm away from my partner, I ponder on if the love is true. Does anyone truly see me, why do I feel so alone? My complexities make me feel important, my complexities make me feel as if I am too much for others to comprehend, surly it can't be that hard? and there's others like me that exist, I'm not alone but I feel alone.

August 13 2025:

I came out to a uncle/aunt and it proved some of my feelings and worries to be true. For a long time now, I knew and even felt that my extended family did NOT care about me, nor did they love or accept me. It wasn't apparent, it was hidden with nicities, it felt like my one tie to what I thought was my culture. I spent so long trying to be a 'good gay' trying to find the perfect partner who would seamlessly intergrate into my extended family, because if my parents didn't love and accept me- maybe they would? it's not worth it. Don't be a 'good gay' don't ever try to "dim your light" for the hope that one day you will be accepted, -trust me, it's not worth it. I would not be where I am now- healing a lot more and in a happy relatinship of ... 3+? years, time really flies!

uh, in other news, it seems I've been consistantly doing 3D thingeys in blender since earlier in the month, so that's exciting that my curosity flame has been ignighted! It's really helping me with creating my OC story stuff and I decided I want to be a bit 'loose'-ish with the story? at the end of the day it's for me, I'm my #1 fan, sometimes it can be easy to try to focus on others enjoying my art. it's imporant that at the least, that I get something out of my creative endevors!

July 14 2025:

Someone was asking about an area where I went to university today and when I looked at the area on a map I felt an incredible amount of stress, it was a lot of commuteing for me and I must have been in a very survivial and time-sensitive mode, I'm currently processing theses feelings, but also feeling an intense amount of stress. It's funny that just looking at the area brought back these intense feelings, I didn't realize how much pressure I felt under at the time, but I'm glad I experianced the higher-higher education situation. Upon reflection, it felt like I was fostering a bit of community, I was breaking out of my socially anxious shell a bit and challangeing myself to talk to new folks! It was going well until it ended, and after I fell into a deep depression for almost a year

July 10 2025:

I saw a tiktok about al1igat0r alc@tr@z, I already knew there were c-ncentrati0n cammpz in the 'st@tes, but something about this, like is really hitting me in the horrified feels tonight, I was debating on coming out to more family members but it feels like that's a baaaad idea with the way things are going

Partially writing some of this because it feels important to preserve this, don't let this ~place~ get away with the crimes again$t hum@nity that it does.

I want to live, I fell in love with being alive after spending most of my life feeling activly su$!dal, I'm so happy now, living iwth my lfie partner.-- the world is pretty bleak right now and I need to mention that- it's not all suppery happy days for days here! I want to be alive, I'm scared and I think it would be good to leave, but I'm poor and disabled- granted, mentally disabled, but I feel like I am trapped, I want to surive.

I particuarly spent a lot of my life feeling very uphappy due to my sucsess chaseing parents. Thankfully, they had lower standards for me, having been diagnosed with ADHD, however, they still had pleanty to be disapointed about- regaurding me. Even in my early 20's they didn't respect my ambitions and college major or career ambitions- due to them being art related. It was annoying they always told me to do IT "do IT, you're so good w/ computers!!" and funny enough I found myself there but in my own way? I didn't even know I was applying for a IT-customer service-ey job, I didn't know what I was getting into and I ended up gaining a lot of satifaciton from helping others, it really is googleing people's computer problems. Over time, when you search up enough computer prolblems you start to remember and notice things, and pick up on computer issues easier and easier. I got scouted and then that's how I got my first full-time job, which, after working at a few full-time jobs, I sadly feel that working 40+ hours is very unacheivable for me- sad because it's commonly expected of us in capatal!sm society and the shame you feel for being 'unfit' to do your citizen working duty, feels bad- but also fuck the 40+ hour work week. Side-stepping back, yeah I'm a smart-cookie who can 'do IT'... People, please, most people can do this if they can approch new interfaces without fear, the fucking fear we get instilled in us from this shitty system- oh my! adding onto this, it was so important to me that I could think creativly, and that's a very important skill that has been activly like shaken out of the general 'murican population and replaced with fear and reluctance. My parents were right that I was good at that, but only in spite of everything, I was good at that because I explored art and it challanged me in a good way, I was good at IT because I got trauma informed therapy, because I had to unlearn ALL of the harm they did to me, it's a wonder why I speak to them still.

July 9 2025:

I watched The Tech Billionaire to Fascist Pipeline by a youtube creator I enjoy a lot, Alexander Avilas, he also made a video called How Corporations Hijacked Anti-AI Backlash, which really oepned my eyes about the situation with AI and I highly reccomend it for anyone who's either sceptical of, or for AI- my stance on it now is, to put it breifly, nuence- but like AI that hurts people = BAD >:(

Recently, I had my therapy session and it brought to my attention that I've felt this longing to be understood, and that I feel that nobody will quite understand me, nor will I be accepted, I felt a lot of greif about this. Part of this was pain from my upbringing, my parents have been in the USA longer then they have lived in India now, and they don't bother to try to understand the words I am saying, they didn't teach me their language for silly reasons. It hurts that they don't like . . process? my words??! like, feels like their fishing for key-words to latch onto and find reasons to crititize me.

July 7 2025:

I've been struggling with weird GI (gut health stuff) issues, have had ran a lot of tests but am feeling a bit defeated with all the negative results.The GI issues that I've been experiancing really take it out of me.

I'm also getting used to using a unix distro, so I can't use CSP easily anymore, thus prompting me to switch to Krita, once I get more a hang of it, I want to release a guide on how to get started easily!

Have been feeling very tired and drained latly but caffine helps a LOT + anxiety meds with having more energy, I'm worried I'm going to lapse back into my ususal GI issues

I'm not sure what I should do for a job right now, I'm between maybe starting some freelance IT stuff or finding a part-time IT job, but I also have been feeling so very tired + tummy health has been wildly hard to predict, I applied for some help but with the current state of things in the 'stars nation, I am worried about the future, I try not to dwell on it.

If you are reading this and am curuious about my BG, I do, infact, have a BA, made it through 5 years of college for this- why is my spelling so bad you ask? idk?? I was in special education for all of my pre college days + spell check exists- thus why I was able to pass college, that and thanks to acomidaitons! Which I ironically have a lot of trouble getting in fulltime job enviorments. But yea, that diversity equity and inclusion got fucked up, so fuck me I guess? I'm still trying to apply to places